- Prolog -
6 months ago:Princess Furiouso and myself had made plans to visit the Brewery Ommegang in upstate New York. We were both crazy about their beers and were very excited to visit their Belgian style brew house here in the states. We had about three weeks to prep for our trip and started looking up routs and saving up some cash for the adventure. I had put in for a transfer at work earlier that month and was told it would be a while before I saw any results regarding my request. Slightly dismayed by the news I just set myself on planning for the trip.
The trip, in my estimation, would take approximately 4 hours so we planned on heading out somewhere around 7am with hopes of arriving around noon. Knowing myself as I do I was positive I would be to lazy to pack that morning so everything was packed the Friday night before we were to leave.
- Burnt CD’s … Check
- Combo Snacks for me… Check
- Baby Carrots for her… Check
- Bottled Water… Check
- Pants… Check
- Camera… Check
- Awesomeness… Check
I finished up work on Friday and made it all the way home before I get a phone call from my boss to inform me that I had been transferred (show of hands, who actually didn’t see that coming?) and that I start the next day at my new position. ‘Wait…’ I thought ‘who starts a new position on a Saturday?’. so I said “Wait… who starts a new position on a Saturday?” which, I realize in retrospect, set my boss up perfectly to inform me “you do.”
And that was how I almost made it to Brewery Ommegang… the first time.
5 months ago:
The new position was great. Better hours, better pay and much closer to home. The only drawback was that I now worked Saturdays. I overcame this obstacle by explaining to my boss about my canceled trip and received permission to take off three Saturdays later as compensation for the short notice. The trip was back on!
So, the Friday evening before I set to packing everything up for the trip.
- CD’s … Check
- Food… Check
- Water… Check
- Pants… Check
- Awesomeness… Check
Our trip to Brewery Ommegang was a matter of ours away and as I pulled out of my driveway, headed to a grocery store for last minute supplies, I thought to myself ‘we are finally going, its actually happening tomorrow, nothing is in our way now’...
(God Himself could not sink this ship… April 15th, 1912)
FuckLump left his shit pen of a house that evening at 5:14 and drove his normal path down to his night job. He called it a ‘job’ but in reality he just sat in a dumpster behind a random 7-11 and shoved crayons up a ducks ass in the name of science. To his credit, he was never late to work and hadn’t missed a day in years.
Taking his normal rout, FuckLump was deep in whatever shallow, ridiculous thought circled the mind of a dimwitted jackass. As images of ice cream, ponies and questions of how farts work danced through his head he was suddenly stricken with an upsetting notion. He would not be able to sustain his normal level of idiotic behavior without food sometime soon… probably sounded more like “food for stupid” in his own mind though.
As we are all aware, the most ignorant of thoughts are best fueled by fast food so FuckLump deviated from his normal path in search for the worst possible substance for him to ingest. He emerged from the drive through sometime later and wasn’t hit with the wave of panic, that would ultimately overcome, him until he reached the main road in front of him. Had panic struck him earlier he possible would have noticed the two ’No Left Turn’ signs erected in plain sight directly in front of the drive through exit. Granted, he would not have been able to read them as the sight of even his name in writing brought on devastating confusion, but the picture of an arrow inside a circle with a line through it might have caused that flickering florescent bulb in his head to illuminate for a moment.
Gripped helplessly in a sea of terror he struggled to retrace his steps in his own mind. Did he come from the left or the right? He could not tell. Oh the horror of being a complete idiot. He concluded, finally, that it must have been from the left because he had never yet been right in his life. So overcome by the fact that he had actually made a decision that he forced himself to focus all of his limited attention on the oncoming traffic. FuckLump blindly darted across three lanes of traffic, congratulating himself on his expert handling of the situation as he crashed DIRECTLY into MY fucking car! Mother-Fucking BASTARDO! Son-Of-A-Bitch!
And that was how I almost made it to Brewery Ommegang… the second time.
3 months ago:
So… Same basic plan.
- Everything… Check
- Pants… Check
Everything was all set and as I went to sleep Thursday night I dreamt of the wonders in store for me 48 hours from then. I could almost taste the delicious sweet liquid of the Gods as I imagined all of the marvelous beer related activities I would be partaking in shortly. You know how when dogs sleep sometimes they let out little ‘woof’s and sometimes their paws move like they are running and you know right behind their eyelids they are playfully chasing an unattainable rabbit? I’m pretty sure as I slept I was giggling like a school girl and kept raising an imaginary glass to my lips in excitement.
Mid day on Friday I received a phone call from Princess Furiouso that changed everything. She had found out about a meeting for work she had to attend the next day. It was, unfortunately, unavoidable and regrettably we had to change our plans again and I ended up eating Combos in my basement watching Point Break with my dog. (People trusted you man, people trusted you and they died… fuck you Keanu Reeves)
And this was blah blah Ommegang Blah… the third time.
1 week ago:
On the Saturday of October 2nd of 2010 Princess Furiouso and myself made seemingly full proof plans to head upstate for a special event at the Brewery Ommegang called “Waffles and Puppets”! What an amazing idea! My mind reeled with the possibilities, could the puppets be made of waffles? What kind of waffles? What kind of puppets? Can I eat a puppet if I pay enough?
The reasons we did not go are inconsequential. It was normal life bullshit. The fact that it seemed the universe was against us at every step was the real motivating factor to make this trip happen. Damn you universe, I shake my fist at you!
Ommegang Trip
Tyrant / Bullshit
0 / 4
Written Friday night, the 8th of October 2010.
Its finally happening! We are approximately 12 hours away from our expedition north to the enchanted land of Brewery Ommegang on the noble quest for alcohol. We will be leaving at 7AM tomorrow morning baring any of the following occurrences:
- Earthquake
- Tornado
- Abduction by drug cartel
- Proof of the existence of Loch Ness Monster
- Alien Attack
- Spontaneous Combustion
- Mauled by a bear
- Taking part in a snuff film
- Zombies (although that probably wont stop me cause if the brewery is infected when I get there then, hey, free beer!)
Wish us luck
-Tyrant
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