Not all people are funny, that is a fact and regrettably one we have to live with. I would, therefore first like to make something clear. I have no problem at all with people who are devoid of humor but persevere anyway and make an attempt. Being witty enough to actually achieve a spontaneous funny personality is a gift few are born with that, if encouraged, can bloom into a very entertaining skill. One cannot be faulted for simply being born under the wrong moon as it were and should not be hated for such reasons. Those are not the people I will be talking about today. However, there are those out there, much to my constant irritation and frustration, who truly believe they are a constant source of hilarity to everyone they come in contact with. There are those, my dear readers, who believe so strongly that when the Gods Of Humor looked down on us mere fellows and took pity on us for such a seriously existence, therefore intrusting us with their sacred gift of comedy, that it was given specifically to them. These people should be put down like sick animals and forgotten about like a good Russell Crow movie. (keep thinking, you'll remember it)
Let me paint you a word picture of a scenario I am sure will be all to familiar. Someone, possibly someone you know and trusted until this fateful moment, grabs your attention and you can tell they already have that twinkle in their eye that announces long before they speak “I’ve got an amazing joke that I can not wait to tell you”. Just brimming with excitement they begin their joke, be it ‘knock knock’ or ‘so-n-so walks into a bar” or even a “know what that looks like…”, and shortly after they start you realize what’s about to happen and unconsciously begin to resist misunderstood natural reactions. Know that little shift you just did of your weight to the other foot? That was actually an impulse to lunge at them and punch them in the chest, hopefully stopping their heart before the joke is completed and the damage is done. Before you know it the inevitable has occurred and your left in the wake of the most asinine, obscene and/or intellectually offensive example of public idiocy you have ever experienced. This affront to public decency washes over you in a chilling wave and your left in such utter disbelief that you are completely devoid of the appropriate emotional response. You stare at them blankly as your mind reboots after the devastating intellectual hit it just took and your subconscious runs down its checklist:
Awake… yes.
Breathing… normal
Horizontal… negative, vertical
Pants… check.
Systems analysis complete…
Reboot successful.
Reconstructing last conscious thought before shutdown…
“What a terrible fucking joke!!”
…DO NOT KILL!!
That last part is screamed by your mind as your muscles clench and your hands and move upward slightly, intent on choking the life out of them with the hope somehow you can regain that minute of yours they just stole. As your sight begins to return you can notice that their eagerness has completely drained from their faces and in its absence now resides confusion. I would like to believe it is a look is caused by the amount of emotions they just witnessed pass over you that they will truly never understand, maybe mixed with a little feeling of dread because somehow, subconsciously, they understood that this may truly be the closest to death they have come. This though, however unfortunate, is not the truth. If it were then right now you would be watching their misguided confidence melt gradually into shame and because you’re a better person, you could find those fake words that we all utter in quiet conciliation at the failure of an otherwise good person. Instead of the acknowledgment of a job well failed that would ultimately dissolve your growing animosity, you are pushed further. Replaying behind their eyes, in a temple built in honor of themselves, constructed so deliberately self serving that it in no way represents an accurate account of the event which leaves them with this thought “how on earth could they have not have laughed at my hilarious joke?! With my brilliant comedic timing and my naturally inspiring personality, it was a slam dunk! Whatever, there is something wrong with them”.
(Virtuosity)
It is at this point that you, with a sinister eagerness, take it upon yourself to correct and enlighten them to their folly, or so at first you believe. That is before the anger sweeps you like a title wave at the realization of their blatant disregard for your mental wellbeing sets in. Shortly after your calm, which you were so curtain of a moment ago, is completely washed away and your hands now fumble in the dark recesses of your mind for a verbal sledgehammer big enough to shatter the shrine they erected in their own mind in tribute of their self proclaimed comedic genius completely.
There is an explosion, both internal and external, that is so spontaneous and consuming that your left with only vague recollections of what took place. Your mind, firing molten thoughts of furious anger like a machine gun through your conscious to a mouth so twisted with disgust. Despite any measure of self control you might struggle to implement, any elegant points you strive to make are reduced to the drunken ramblings of a 5 year old who grew up around way to much profanity.
(Excuse me sir, I regrettably feel it is my duty, as a member of an illustrious family of educated individuals, to inform you that your joke was a miserable failure)
“Are you fucking kidding me?!”
(Your comedic timing was lacking and over all I was left with a sense of wanting upon the conclusion of your joke… I feel dirty even calling it that.)
“There was nothing funny about any of the shit that just rolled out of your mouth! Next time you want to try to make me laugh first get me drunk, then hang yourself!”
(Again it is with a heavy heart that I deliver this debriefing, I do hope this will not reflect negatively upon our friendship/relationship. Now please, if you would, pass on into another plane of existence.)
“Don’t ever fucking speak again to anyone fucking ever! Die!”
You would think an outburst of that magnitude would at least shake some of the pictures of themselves off the walls of their mental throne room, but it didn’t. You’ll probably, as I have, contemplate just how badly you must have over reacted and should apologies, and most likely will. In the end they have completely intruded on your life and there is no way for you to rebound. You suffered a terrible, soul crippling blow, at their hands and in its wake you expressed your opinion, albeit badly, and are still left with remorse. If this was an isolated incident it wouldn’t be worth mentioning and you would most likely have no idea what I’m talking about but if you’ve read this far, chances are you do. There is no ending because until the euthanasia of these sad few is deemed legal in the 50 contiguous, it will never end. And yes, it is euthanasia, they are dying to ease my suffering.
-Tyrant
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