The Work Place Survival Guide

Welcome to the first installment of The Work place survival guide.  This informative tutorial will provide you, the poor employee of Shitty-Job Co., a step-by-step plan for surviving the rigors of the daily grind.  Now while many of these tutorials will focus on jobs which are set in an office environment, they can be transferred to any type of work place environment.  Some will require a bit of tweaking, but if you use your imagination I think you will find great success.  I have also provided visual aids that will allow you to perform the complicated techniques of each step in the precise manner which I have perfected.  I hope you enjoy.

Lesson # 1: How to get out of boring conversations. 

We have all been there.  At some point during the work day we are cornered by one of our fellow employees who engage us in inane banter about god knows what.  When cornered by one of these people, many individuals will try several techniques which although may provide a modicum of success, ultimately are ineffective.  The three most common mistakes are:

The polite nod: 

This is when a person just sits back and suffers the stupidity assault of which they have been subjected to.  They nod, smile, and just try and ride it out.  This technique is not only incredibly painful, but it is known to cause brain cancer (due to the amount of useless idiocy that the person’s brain absorbs and as we all know stupidity is cancerous.) This technique is also dangerous because it marks you as a target for future assaults.

The fake meeting: 

The title is self-explanatory.  We try and scurry by our attacker to attend some fictitious gathering, but this too will get you nowhere. Often the attacker will either try to accompany you to the meeting, which they will think they are a vital part of, or if you successfully escape, they will only be waiting for you when you return.  The problem with this technique is that your attacker usually has NOTHING better to do with their time, and they will stalk you until you have submitted to them and hear all about their great aunt Agnes whose dog, Mr. Floofykins, has a brain tumor.   

The fake phone call: 

Again, self-explanatory.  This plan of defense usually follows the same lines as the fake meeting, with a few minor changes.  The results too are often the same. The biggest drawback to this technique is that it is generally known that the second you start pretending you’re talking on the phone, is when the phone inevitably rings, thus giving away the charade.  Also, unless you plan on spending several hours pretending to be on the phone, your attacker will often just wait it out.  If they don’t, you can be sure they will be back later. 

These techniques are no good.   But I have developed a virtually full-proof method of defending yourself in the instances of these attacks.  Just follow the guide below and you will see how effective this method is.

Step 1:

Oh no! You’ve been trapped!

Your attacker has cut off your only route of escape, and you have already been warned about assaulting fellow employees so barreling through them and trampling them is not an option.  What to do!? 

First, remain calm.  There is always a way.

 Step 2:

Your attacker at this point has probably already begun their verbal assault. 

“I love scrap-booking! Don’t you?  It’s so nice to save precious memories.  I have one scrap book that is dedicated to when I had that cyst on one of my ovaries…you remember that right? Well the best part to it is the page dedicated to the operation the doctors did; in the center of the page is  part of the ovary they removed, with the cyst intact and all!

Now you need to act quickly because soon you will begin to grow weak with apathy and you will most likely slip into a coma, or suffer an aneurysm.

See that pen on your desk?  Grab it.  At this point you MUST look your attacker straight in the eye, and appear as if you are giving them your utmost attention.   

Now, quickly un-cap the pen and begin drawing squiggly lines DIRECTLY on your face.  

This may seem drastic, but believe me it will catch your attacker off guard and give you an advantage.

Step 3:

Right now, your attacker is most certainly stunned.  They have never experienced anything like this before.  They cannot process the events occurring directly in front of them.  Soon they will stop jabbering about what ever boring bullshit their fat mouth-holes were spewing out.  

Your attacker will now question you as to what you are doing; this moment is very important.  In order to pull this off you need to put your acting skills on full display.  

First you must act utterly surprised as to what your attacker is talking about.

Second, you must act as if you suddenly realized what you were doing and then follow it with a statement about how it’s a psychological/neurological condition you can’t control, but that you are still paying close attention to them.

Step 4:

Your attacker, although confused, will proceed now in continuing their pointless story.  THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP IN THE PROCESS.  The SECOND your attacker begins to verbally assault you with their stupidity again; you MUST begin drawing on your face again IMMEDIATELY. 

It is at this point that your attacker will understand that you don’t give a shit about whatever the fuck it is they are saying.  Most likely they will also understand that you are a total dick, and that you have absolutely no desire to communicate with them EVER again.  Your attacker at this point will storm away very confused, frustrated, and angered and will undoubtedly never consider trying to speak with you ever again.  

So congratulations! You have fended off your attacker and have successfully assured that they will never try boring you to death with their insanely pointless chattering ever again.

I hope you have found this guide useful. Please check back soon for many more tips on how to survive in the harsh climate that is your terrible job. 

~Greazy.