So here we go. You dear sir or madam, have somehow, through incredible fortune, stumbled upon our blog, “The Adventures of Tyrant and Greazy.” I, Greazy, shall be your guide this evening in welcoming you to our disturbed little world. (Full disclosure: I wrote that opening sentence and said “what the fuck am I thinking? I am an alcoholic and I need to be good and ripped when I write this.” So here we are…20 minutes later and three glasses of scotch deep. YAY BOOZE!) This fantastic little blog will be the home of the ranting’s and ravings of I, and my most hated friend, Tyrant.
So where to begin? Well I suppose you’re asking yourself “why the fuck should I read your lame ass blog?” Well frankly there is no reason besides the off chance you may find our insane little posts to be something which may resembles comedy.
Most likely you found us because you are sitting at home on a Saturday night in your underwear, drinking alone, and feebly seeking for something entertaining on the internet. You probably tried to Google something like “Greased up Hot Babes fighting” or “How to catch a Greased up Hog” but your inebriated ass somehow managed to type “Greazy” and well…now you’re here so you might as well stay and I promise at some point I will give you a step by step guide at how to catch that slipper porker.
So in the course of this blog, we intend to do…fuck…lots of shit I’m sure. You think we have a plan for this? Seriously, you’re asking the wrong people for a plan. Right now we plan on doing daily blog update and Twittering and all sorts of other crap but that’s all depending on two things:
1) The amount of readily available alcohol. I think I speak for Tyrant and myself when I say that alcohol is our muse; we function better when we drink copious amounts of it. We are wittier, sharper, and funnier. And if you don’t agree with this, perhaps you should pour yourself a good drink or two and try re-reading what’s been said.
2) General life shit. Both Tyrant and I are hardworking, lower middle class American assholes who work full time. We’re not your typical bloggers. You know who I’m talking about! When we gripe (Yes it’s called griping, because we, dear readers, DO NOT WHINE) we are expressing what we perceive as injustices to humanity and insults to our existence. At some point my friend, life is probably going to get in the way of our blogging, and we may have to stop or take a break from it for a short period. We have a whole lot going on and while we are very serious in our new undertaking, we are realists.
With that being said, I should also warn you that Tyrant and I may (meaning most definitely) will be posting opinions, or making statements, that will offend all but the most basic single celled organisms. Now please don’t take this as an attempt to be “Shock Bloggers©.” (Not sure if that’s a real term but if it’s not I totally copyright it right now ©GreazyTR Enterprises Inc.) It’s just simply that Tyrant and I have led…well let’s just say seriously fucked up lives, and we may have a few social deficiencies. I know I certainly lack this thing people call a social filter and I basically just say things without thinking. Some say it’s a character flaw. I say its freedom.
I’d also like to take a moment to mention once again that we are raging alcoholics. You may have just laughed out loud and thought “Oh so am I, these guys kick ass!” While you are most certainly right in the fact we kick ass, I would like you to consider if you are truly in the same alcohol drinking league as we are. I am very sure you can handle a drink and that when you go out on the town you go crazy with your friends and drink yourself into a blackout. But that, I am sorry to say, does NOT make you an alcoholic. Do you have multiple drinks throughout the day? Do you drink enough to get blackout drunk alone? Would you go down to the bar, drink a dozen beers and hit on the fattest chick (or guy, we don’t discriminate here) in the joint? Do you carry a bottle of whisky with you in your backpack? I do. Why? Because I am an alcoholic and I am fucking proud of that.
The term “alcoholic” carries with it the connotation that the person in question has a problem with alcohol and that they are the kind of person who NEEDS a drink…. Let me tell you this; No one on earth NEEDS a drink. We may fucking want one like nobody’s business, but not a single human being NEEDs one. My life does not rest on a fine glass of Scotch and I will not die without it. Now, I will punch a nun or rob a ten year old of his lunch money in order to grab a two-fer during the happy hour at Applebee’s, but that’s a choice, I don’t need to do it, I just WANT to do it.
But just drinking a whole metric fuck-ton does NOT make you an alcoholic. And also let me tell you this; those ass-hats who ruin their lives because they WANT a drink so badly are just stupid and are actually not alcoholics. Being an alcoholic is a responsibility. We have a desire that we have to maintain, and the only means of maintaining this desire is by holding a steady job and assuring a stable income so that we may spend our hard earned money on booze. We also are responsible enough to keep our finances in order because we need a place to store all of our booze. Naturally this place is the same place where we may choose to sleep off our last bender, and keep the clothing required to maintain a steady job.
Sure, I may have a few drinks at work, but let’s face it…if your job sucks, you want to drink too. My job sucks. I want to drink because of my job. But I know that if I drink too much I won’t have a job, which is needed in able to support my desire to drink. So I keep it in check, and thus my alcoholism is maintained through my responsibility. (Once again, full disclosure. I am fucking absolutely hammered.)
So that’s it. Here we are. Bloggin. Tweetin. Drinkin…In no particular order. I don’t know what else to really say beyond that. I will leave you now with a quote from one of my favorite films:
“Charlie don’t surf!!!!”
You think about that. Welcome to our world now. Follow us on Twitter https://twitter.com/TyrantNGreazy
~Greazy
And that is where I would like to take the mic, thank you Greazy. Tyrant here with a quick little note. I second everything Greazy has stated above. At some point in our conversations I am confident you will be offended, its bound to happen because through the wonderful world of blogging that moral or social review board in my mind that holds back what I really mean just long enough to round out the edges of it are completely disregarded due to the intoxicating pleasure of anonymity. You at some point will probably wish you could say our names three times and send us back from the underworld from whence you'll be sure we spawned from but, my fine fellows, if you stick with us I'll bet you Greazy’s left testicle that it'll pay off in the long run. Bottom line, we enjoy the shit out of being ourselves and want to share our opinions and views with the likeminded... somewhat for you but mostly to stroke our long throbbing egos. I too would like to leave you with a quote:
"Can you fly, Bobby?!"
- The father from 'That 70's Show' in Robocop
Thought provoking... Again, thank you for reading this after your disappointment about 'The Adventures Of Tyrant & Greazy' ending up not being a gay porn after all.
-Ty
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